Why should I Change How I Talk!

I recently attended a Richard Bona concert with my partner, who is an avid fan. The performance was incredible, and afterward, Bona was signing t-shirts outside the hall. My partner, eager to meet him, rushed to the front of the line but froze in awe when it was finally his turn. As he hesitated, others—mainly women and Black men—pushed past him to get their moment with the musician. I pushed him forward, determined not to let him miss his chance. This moment made me reflect on why some people push through while others wait. I realized that those who wait often do so because they are accustomed to receiving opportunities without having to assert themselves—a privilege not everyone shares. Meanwhile, others (except the entitled opportunists) must push their way through to claim their chances.

I am someone who pushes through crowded spaces, demands action, speaks up, and insists on being heard. I get irritated when asked to be softer or quieter, and I wonder if this assertiveness stems from my experiences as a woman navigating the world. However, does this assertiveness carry over into professional settings? Don’t I, like many others, adapt to ‘soft language’ to avoid being perceived as threatening? Language is more than just a tool for communication—it shapes perception, reinforces societal norms, and plays a crucial role in how individuals interact [1]. Research suggests that while differences in language use between men and women may be subtle, they are systematic, influencing both what is said and how it is expressed [2]. 

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Soft language encompasses speech patterns that moderate the delivery of a message through disclaimers, hedges, qualifiers, and apologetic phrases. In the 1970s, linguist Robin Lakoff introduced the concept of a "women’s register," arguing that language helps maintain women’s subordinate position in society [3]. She observed that women’s speech tends to be more polite, relying on tag questions (e.g., "isn’t it?"), weaker directives, minimal swearing, and adjectives like "cute." Lakoff’s ideas sparked extensive research into gendered communication, examining conversational dominance, interruptions, minimal responses (e.g., "mm," "yeah"), and topic control. Researchers have also found that women frequently use disclaimers such as “I’m no expert, but…” or “I might be wrong, but…” to introduce uncertainty, while hedges like “maybe,” “sort of,” or “kind of” soften assertions. Tag questions such as “Does that make sense?” or “Don’t you think?” seek validation, and apologetic phrases like “Sorry to interrupt, but…” or “I just wanted to say…” help minimize perceived imposition. It often reflects humility, openness, and interpersonal sensitivity but also plays a role in reinforcing broader societal dynamics. 

Women’s use of soft language is deeply rooted in cultural and social conditioning that begins early in life. These patterns, shaped by societal expectations,  evidently reflect power structures and gender norms. From a young age, women are often taught to be polite, accommodating, and deferential, traits that are reinforced through societal expectations and gender norms. These patterns of speech become ingrained over time and carry over into professional settings, where women may feel pressured to conform to these learned behaviors. Furthermore, some women use qualifiers like “correct me if I’m wrong” due to self-doubt or insecurity, which can stem from broader societal conditioning that discourages women from claiming authority or expertise. This lack of confidence is often reinforced by environments where women’s contributions are undervalued or dismissed. 

Additionally, societal forces often penalize women for communicating assertively, as they risk being perceived as aggressive or unlikeable—a double standard that men typically do not face. When women violate gender stereotypes by being too direct or assertive, they risk being labeled as “overbearing” or “abrasive,” which can harm their professional reputations and relationships. Soft language helps women navigate negative perceptions, allowing them to communicate their ideas without being judged harshly. Studies shows that it fosters collaboration, reduces conflict, and promotes inclusive communication, strengthening teamwork and relationships [4]. In reality, even when it is not fair, soft language can be a strategic tool for fostering collaboration, demonstrating emotional intelligence, and enhancing workplace inclusivity. This dynamic creates a double bind, where women must navigate between being seen as competent and being seen as likable, often leading them to adopt softer language as a strategic tool. But why do I need to change how I talk in one way or the other way to fit into the molds of submissiveness or assertiveness? 

Soft language is not a weakness, nor should traditionally 'masculine' communication be the default standard. However, soft language should not be reduced to a mere strategy for navigating men’s egos or conforming to societal expectations. Women should not feel compelled to belittle themselves or downplay their self-worth simply to be heard or accepted, they should be free to express themselves in ways that align with their true selves, without compromising their self-worth. The problem lies in the pressure women face to conform to these norms, often at the expense of their authenticity and honesty. 

True progress requires a shift away from the idea that women must strategize their communication in order to succeed. Instead, workplaces and society at large should create environments where women can communicate honestly, without fear of being penalized for assertiveness or judged for being too accommodating.  The goal should be to dismantle the systems that force women to choose between being honest and being accepted, ensuring that communication is rooted in authenticity rather than strategy. As Hannah Gadsby says in her Netflix special Nanette "Do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility, it's humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me" [5]. Her words make me reconsider how I express myself, reinforcing the need to challenge the pressures that dictate how women communicate. True equity in communication will only be achieved when all voices can speak openly, without the need to soften, shrink, or seek permission to be heard.

Written by Janaky S. and edited by Parvathy Ramachandran an Janaky S. @ThinkHer

References:

1. Coates, L., & Johnson, T. (2001). Towards a social theory of gender. In W. P. Robinson & H. Giles (Eds.), The new handbook of language and social psychology, 451–464. 

2. Newman, M. L., Groom, C. J., Handelman, L. D., & Pennebaker, J. W. (2008). Gender Differences in Language Use: An Analysis of 14,000 Text Samples. Discourse Processes, 45(3), 211–236. 

3. Crosby, F., & Nyquist, L. (1977). The female register: An empirical study of Lakoff’s hypothesis. Language in Society, 6, 313–322.

4.Williams, M. J., & Tiedens, L. Z. (2016). The subtle suspension of backlash: A meta-analysis of penalties for women’s implicit and explicit dominance behavior. Psychological Bulletin, 142(2), 165–197.

5.https://www.screenwritersnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Hannah-Gadsby-Nanette-2018.pdf